Brutal honesty: emotionally, I’m in a weird place right now. For about 98% of my life, I’m a calm, joyful person. But then, rarely, something happens that practically smacks me in the face. This week is one of those times. While the Auburn weather this week has gone from beautifully sunny to freezing rain, it's been weirdly reflective of my emotions.
PS- I mentioned the Rays won on a walkoff last night. And speaking of joy, this kid definitely has it now, in the form of a souvenir ball. This picture made me smile last night, even though everything else was going wrong. This is why I love baseball.
I spent the past two weeks preparing and organizing for a large event that I hosted on Tuesday. Although I’d had excited expectations, it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. It wasn’t horrible, but I was just thankful it was over. I was so exhausted- but it really wasn’t over. I made a small mistake after the meeting, one that was only done with the purest intentions. In trying to help someone, I inadvertently messed up. (Trying to be anonymous here, but let me be clear: the mistake was about some tshirts. not life or death or grades or something serious like that. TSHIRTS. not a huge deal, right? nope, apparently, wrong.)
Although I immediately owned up and apologized before anyone had even asked me about it, and spent hours yesterday fixing the problem, I was basically attacked. I received an onslaught of angry, rude text messages from someone who, although she has no authority over me, felt the need to be incredibly, unnecessarily disrespectful. She told untruthful stories about me to people who actually do have authority and influence. Meanwhile, I was shocked. And literally shaking. My heart was beating about 100 miles an hour all day yesterday.
So basically, it was a horrible, yucky day. But I am a firm believer that it always, always gets better, and I tried my hardest to cling to any little happiness I could find. Because God is so good, He provided me with little glimmers last night. My beloved Tampa Bay Rays won last night on a walkoff home run, and then 30 minutes later, my best friends came in with a Sonic Diet Vanilla Coke and peanut butter M&Ms (they truly know the way to my heart).
I had tweeted that I knew it would get better, even though I didn’t feel it getting any better at that time. However, God is definitely an “if you build it, He will come” kind of guy. (That is a horrible expression to describe God, because He’s way bigger than that, but I can’t think of a better biblical expression right now. It’s Opening Week, what can I say?) Anyway, I trusted and hoped and believed it would get better, and it did, a little bit.
I’m still not fully recovered from that shock and anger and hurt, but I found a perfect quote last night: “Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy, and keep choosing it every day.” (Henri J.W. Nouwen) So right now, I’ve moved from bitterness, but if I’m being totally honest, I’m not quite back to my usual joy yet. I’m actively pursuing it, and trusting that it will soon return to me.
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PS- I mentioned the Rays won on a walkoff last night. And speaking of joy, this kid definitely has it now, in the form of a souvenir ball. This picture made me smile last night, even though everything else was going wrong. This is why I love baseball.