after ten days.

I've been in Boston for ten days now, and I'm finally getting there. Not to the sweet, familiar, home-y spot yet, but I'm starting to feel progress. I spent the first few days fighting that trapped, lost feeling– not that I was ever actually sad, but those feelings were just under the surface, threatening to come spilling out if I let them.

Which is why I spent the first week here keeping myself busy. I only work three days a week, which means I have a lot of downtime. This is definitely something I'm thankful for– it means I have time to explore the city, but in the first few days, it meant I had time to be isolated in my room, which is maybe not a good thing. So I did everything I could think of to distract myself. I wandered around Cambridge, went for runs along the river, rewatched my favorite TV shows, and on Sunday, ventured downtown to real, big-city Boston.

Now I'm getting there. I'm getting settled, counting the days less often. It's strange, getting familiar with a life that is so unlike my normal life. I work in a giant building (that looks like this, in case you're interested. yes, that's a giant TV on the outside of the building. yes, it's the building where they made ZOOM and Curious George and probably many more of your favorite childhood shows.) where I have to swipe my badge to get into the bathroom. Because it is a dang nice bathroom, I tell you what. I live in an apartment that is old but renovated to be super nice, with high ceilings and fancy countertops and windows that flood the kitchen with sunlight in the afternoons, with a roommate who is absolutely lovely but nothing like me.

All of this is good, but it's just so different. I'm still desperately clinging to familiar things: afternoons in Panera, drinking Diet Pepsi and reading Grantland. Searching Google Maps for the nearest Target and Moe's. Eating barbecue for dinner while watching every second of the NFL Draft coverage. (aside: I'm only just now realizing that all of my comfort zones include food and sports. huh. I guess that says all you need to know about me.) I think it's normal to gravitate to familiarity, but I don't want to stay there all summer.

Yesterday was the first day that I really felt like it clicked. It might have had something to do with the fact that it was 82 degrees outside (not normal, they tell me. bummer.), but I finally felt a peace I hadn't had since moving here ten days ago. While watching my church online on Sunday (praise the Lord for technology, right?), one of the verses really smacked me in the chest. John 15:11 says,

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete."

Goodness. I knew immediately that verse was for me, especially in this season. A complete joy. That's what I need. Not a joy that is half here, half in Alabama. A joyful spirit that is completely, 100%, all in for Boston. So that's what I'm working for these days: a sold-out, recklessly joyful and happy heart.

I'll let you know how that goes.

a new adventure.

I should start this by admitting that I've never been very adventurous. Rather, I've never been as adventurous as I'd like to be. Half of me craves spontaneity and boldness, and the other half is logical, analytical, safe. You can guess which half usually wins.

But when an incredible, unreal experience fell into my lap (well, actually my inbox), I knew instantly I couldn't say no. The tiny little voice that says, "YES, DO IT!" finally, finally overpowered the fear. Which is why I'm six days away from hopping on a plane bound for Boston to intern with Major League Lacrosse for the summer.

I'm aware that this probably seems random. But it really isn't.

One Memorial Day weekend, when I was probably 8 or 9, I was sitting at our lake house flipping through TV channels. (This was before we went all Walden Pond and canceled our cable & internet there– but that's another story.) I landed on the NCAA Lacrosse National Championship. I remember that Syracuse and Johns Hopkins were playing, and I remember that I was absolutely captivated by this game, this strange game I had never before seen. (Because I love Cullman, but let's be real: it wasn't cool enough for lacrosse at this point.)

So ever since then, I've been enthralled with this game. No, I've never played– partially due to lack of opportunity, but mostly due to my lack of any athletic ability whatsoever. But one night a few months ago, I was browsing internships online. All I've ever wanted to do is work in professional sports, but I was having a hard time finding many internships that matched my needs for the summer. I found this one, though, and thought, "Why not? It will never happen, but wouldn't it be so cool if it did?"

(note: never say those words. because you are basically assuring yourself that it will, in fact, happen.)

But then, one February morning, I got an email from the MLL Marketing Consultant asking if I could interview. Less than two weeks later, the offer was in my inbox. I should stop here to make two disclaimers:
1. I am not nearly as cool as this job. Things like this don't happen to me often, or ever.
2. This is only happening because God has allowed it to happen. I am well aware that I got this opportunity not because of what I've done, but because God has opened this door. I'm not sure why they chose me– maybe they just want to laugh at my Southern accent all summer, I don't know– but I'm sure that it's only because of God's great, mysterious, often strange (but so perfect) plan.

It would have been so easy to take the safe route. I had an offer in Tuscaloosa, my favorite city in the entire world. I sat in the Publix parking lot on the Strip the morning before my interview there, nearly in tears, knowing that as much as I want to live in my first city, God was saying "Not yet." As scared as I was to turn my back on the easy road, the safe choice, my first home, and instead say yes to Boston, I am so sure it was (is) the right call.

I have all the emotions: thrilled, nervous, excited, apprehensive, overwhelmed and overjoyed, but mostly just thankful. There have been bumps in the road (like the five days a few weeks ago where it looked like I might be homeless all summer), but I'm so ready. I don't know what to expect, other than it probably won't be anything like I expect. This opportunity has required– and will continue to require– so, so many prayers. I'm scared, but I can't wait.

I'm terrible at conclusions, so I'll just end this with my favorite Boston-related memory so far: the 2008 ALCS Game 7. My second favorite moment in Rays history. Top of the 8th, bases loaded, two outs. Every baseball fan's dream. Also the moment we knew David Price was legit. (Because surely you didn't think I'm EVER going to become a Red Sox fan?)



(you can watch the whole game if you want– I might have done that once or twice as I try not to study for finals...)

on forgetting.

"I think you have to live life really hard, but with great levity. You have to be okay with clomping around and making a bit of noise and doing it all totally gracelessly. And when you go down really hard you have to figure out how to get up lighter than you were before. Levity and will and strength. I’m not particularly good at any of this. I’m still working on it."

hopeful, honest, strong words from meg fee, one of my favorite writers. her writing is lovely and her sentiments, more often than not, are so true.

(read the whole post here: on forgetting.)

choices.

Wisdom via @everydaybeliefs, an account run by one of my most favorite bloggers, Laura.

As an indecisive person, my heart REJOICES to read something that so perfectly describes me. I've been wrestling with some pretty massive choices lately (more on that coming soon...), and this is exactly what I needed. This tweet doesn't make the choosing any easier, but it feels like a big hug and an old friend saying, "You too?"

february victims.

Earlier this week, I hit the winter slump. The moment when it just feels so dreary, you wonder if it will ever be spring again. We'd had a few pretty days, and of course our weather is nothing like it is farther north, but I think the winter slump is about more than the weather. It's a mindset that creeps in slowly, and dulls your senses to all things vibrant.

Tuesday was a struggle. I felt like February had taken me as its victim, and I didn't like it one bit. I didn't like feeling gray and dull. As with all difficult times, it wasn't one grand event that turned things around. It was a combination of the little moments.

Wednesday, relief came in the form of two precious little girls that I babysit. They're 4 and 2, so there's never a shortage of fun and cute there. It was sunny and not freezing, so the girls decided it was necessary to put on their swimsuits, get towels, and lay out in the backyard. I protested at first, but then gave in, assuming they'd get cold in five minutes... it lasted two hours. It was a precious reminder that it's my mindset, not the weather, that dictates my happiness.

Thursday, it was Helios. The Fray's new album isn't out until next week, but it started streaming on iTunes a week earlier. After listening to the album in its entirety about 97 times, I have decided that the Fray simply can't disappoint. Their last two albums have come out in February-- it's like they know I need a little happy this time of year! The whole thing is incredible, but this is my favorite:

like, dang, I don't know if I'll ever get married, but now I have to because THIS SONG. it wrecks me.

Yesterday, it was baseball. FINALLY. I am still not an Auburn fan, but I don't even care when it comes to baseball because it doesn't matter who's playing– I just love it, always and forever.

Choosing to appreciate the sunny days (and fight against the gray days) is so important this time of year. For now, I'm trying to find a balance between anticipating the future and being thankful for the present.

Living vicariously through MLB Spring Training videos doesn't hurt, either.

the ten:ten life.

my life verse is john 10:10, which says "I have come so that they may have life, and live it abundantly!" it's my song, my motto, the thing I repeat over and over. and the verse always seems to pop up in the strangest, most perfect places.

but what does it mean?

to me, this verse has two meanings. the first has a more immediate, present context. an abundant life on earth means enjoying and savoring our one precious lifetime. it's loving the little moments, wearing your favorite shoes just because it's tuesday, and going out for a doughnut with friends even if it's not your cheat day, because those people are more important than those calories. to me, a ten:ten life is soaking up the sunshine and laughing at life. it's an intangible lifestyle that presents itself in the tiniest, seemingly ordinary details. it's an opportunity for celebration.

the second, and more important, meaning of this verse is the abundant life that's waiting for us in Heaven. it's a thousand joys for a million years, and even more than that. it's beyond our wildest dreams, something I can't even begin to comprehend. it's a reminder that if life on this earth is great, life in Heaven will be exponentially better.

so to me, a ten:ten life means living the best, brightest, funnest life you can create here on earth, but all the while keeping an eye on the ultimate goal, which is the abundant, eternal life waiting for us in Heaven.

on nourishment and community.

There's an interesting discussion occurring right now. It is not new, nor is it limited to the blogs I've read and experiences I've had. But I find it interesting, nonetheless.

To church, or not to church?

The answer has always seemed obvious to me, but I'm slowly learning it's not so clear to everyone else. Don Miller wrote about it last week, and while I didn't agree with his sentiments, I appreciate the eloquent and thoughtful way he expressed them. Some people, it seems, do not feel the need to attend a church, because they feel that they can "get God" elsewhere.

During spring break of my freshman year at Auburn, I went on a mission trip to an immigrant community outside of Atlanta. We stayed with a group that lived in the community and did all types of outreach. In many ways, this group was doing wonderful work. But those people also gave me a sense of spiritual uneasiness that I've never otherwise felt. So many things seemed to clash, but the one thing that I remember most was the night they told us about how they didn't attend a church. Since our traveling group was bonded by the church we all attended each Sunday, we obviously all saw major issues with this belief. There was respectful debate, but no opinions changed. That was my first glance into this group of Christians.

Now, I absolutely think you can experience God anywhere. Some of my most sacred talks with God have come in the strangest places– in the woods, in the car, in a public bathroom stall with tears streaming down my face. But if there's one place where I consistently experience God, it's church. It's when the music is loud and the voices are joyful, when the people– strangers and friends alike– meet you with a smile, and when the message shoots straight into your soul and makes your breath catch.

I think Sarah Bessey described it best. It's a long piece, but just a snapshot of the community-building, heart-sharing, and soul-baring that goes on at church. It doesn't matter what the church looks like, whether it's in a theater or a basement or a musty high school gym with creaky bleachers. Church is where we come together, and go to God.

Everyone's view of right and wrong is different, and I don't have a right to criticize or shame anyone. I don't know if I feel this way simply because it's how I was raised, but I know it feels right to me. I know when I started thinking about this issue for the millionth time, I sat up straight in my bed, in the dark at 1:47 AM, and I started to write. It feels important, because it is important.

grey.

The other night, I was leaving a building on campus when a sweet boy held the door open for me. This is not uncommon in Auburn; for every drunk frat star, there's probably at least three or four incredible guys here. It got me thinking about how we (girls, collectively) love when this happens. But then in the same instant, another strange thought struck me. How do we reconcile the idea of strong, independent women (something we strive for) with our love for chivalry?

I am a fiercely independent person. I don't really like to depend on anyone for anything. That's not something I'm proud of, but I'm not necessarily ashamed of it, either. It's just how I've always been. So then why do I love it when a guy opens a door? I certainly can open it myself.

The answer to this question isn't the point of this post. The point is that I didn't know the answer right away. It falls in a grey area. We love independence, but we also love chivalry. All this got me thinking: shades of grey are what color our world. 

(please refrain from making a joke about that terrible porn book here. I know you're thinking it.)

Things are rarely black and white. Apart from God's Word and the laws He says in the Bible, things in this life are hardly ever definite and clear. And sometimes (a lot of times) that makes things difficult, but it also makes things beautiful. Because shades of grey means there's room for interpretation. Room for opinion, expression, discussion. There are infinite shades of grey, which is so beautifully representative of the diversity of life. If everything was black and white– I mean this both literally and in terms of right/wrong– our lives would be SO boring.

Check out the difference in these two pictures. One is strictly black and white, while one is grayscale. In the black and white image, we can hardly tell what's going on. The shades of grey reveal not only the full story, but they also reveal so many beautiful details that we miss when we see it in only black and white. When the greys are thrown in, we can better understand the emotions, the actions, and the story.

I'll admit that it's quite a stretch to connect all this to just having a door held open for me. But I rarely get deep, coherent, complete thoughts like this, so when I do, you better believe I'm going to document it. 

crushes.

I am so thankful for women who are feminine, brave, and who completely own their role, whether that be as a CEO, a teacher, a lawyer, or a mom.
I've noticed lately that all my woman crushes have a commonality: they are all beautiful, confident, and hilarious. Basically, they embody the woman I want to be– a strong, independent, magnetic person.

Without further babble, I present, in a highly organized list with ample videos & links to help you procrastinate, my favorite famous women.

Mindy Kaling
We all loved her on The Office (a personal favorite.) but I didn't really fully appreciate her until The Mindy Project, which is easily– in my opinion– the funniest show on TV. She is a smart, single, confident doctor with an incredible wardrobe. What more do you need? Also, I just finished her book and it is wonderful. very wonderful. Aaand if you need any more reasons, just see her excellent response to the "controversy" surrounding her recent Elle cover.

Rashida Jones
Okay, I've written about her before, but I just finished Netflix-binging Parks and Recreation, which, when coupled with Celeste and Jesse Forever, gives a special place on my list for Rashida. She has a cool name, perfect hair, and a lovely singing voice.

(if this doesn't make you want to watch Parks and Rec, you have no humor. or appreciate for classic girl rock.)

Also, she recently wrote a quite bold piece for Glamour that is a little crude but certainly outspoken & honest, which I love.

Cecily Strong
I've watched SNL since I was little (probably too young to watch SNL, but it was only the classic Will Ferrell & Chris Farley, so that makes it okay, right? Thank you, parents, for teaching me a sense of humor.), and the current cast is quickly becoming one of my favorite groups. Last season, Kate McKinnon was such a standout, and she definitely hasn't slowed down, but this season, Cecily Strong has been so, so good. She recently started co-hosting Weekend Update, which is a super big deal. (Hello, Tina Fey.) The only sad part about her hosting Update is that now we don't get her funniest role from last season: The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party. (I can't embed this but IF YOU VALUE LAUGHTER YOU WILL CLICK THIS LINK.)

Amy Poehler
The grand finale. My Number One Woman Crush of All Time. Because she's never not on her game: SNL. Golden Globes. Parks and Rec. She is simultaneously strong and hilarious and compassionate. I could literally go on for days about Amy Poehler. Check out this incredible article that compiles all (well, some) of her wisdom in her place. The inspiration behind this whole blog post was actually her YouTube series called "Amy Poehler's Smart Girls" You should go watch them all, because they are actually not funny at all. They are real and honest and perfect. I would embed them all but that would probably give my computer an aneurysm. So here's my favorite. Thank you, Amy.

the weary world rejoices.

I've never really understood the concept of advent. To me, Christmas has always been a celebration, a birthday party for Jesus. I've always understood Christmas was much, much more than presents or food, but I sort of just considered it to be a birthday party for Jesus. It absolutely is a celebration, but I'm starting to see the other side of it too. I'm starting to understand the stillness and darkness of the advent time, the waiting period.

I like to read John Piper devotionals, because they make me feel like I'm really learning something, but they're short enough that I'm not biting off more than I can chew. (Because we all know how deep John Piper can be. Bless him, but often his messages are waaay over my head.) Anyway, here's a line from the December 1 devotional from his Solid Joys app. This devotional came from his message called "Prepare the Way of the Lord!"

"Christmas is an indictment before it becomes a delight. 
It will not have its intended effect until 
we feel desperately the need for a Savior."

I found an art piece by one of my favorite calligraphers, Lindsay Letters, that simply says, the weary world rejoices. and I haven't been able to stop thinking about that line. O Holy Night has always been my favorite Christmas song, although I never really knew why until I noticed this line.

So why are we celebrating Christmas? Cool, Jesus was born, but why is his birthday so special? Because this world was (and in many ways, still is) completely worn out. Now, lots of things make me tired, like when traffic is terrible, or when it's pouring rain and I have no umbrella, or when yet another person feels the need to share their opinion on the Duck Dynasty controversy. That's feeling tired. But weary is a whole other ballgame. It's a deep, aching, longing exhaustion. It's waiting or wishing for so long that you're not sure you can take another breath. Did you know that there was 400 years between the Old Testament and the New Testament? They waited four hundred years after all the prophecies for the promised Son to be born. Four hundred years. Our country hasn't even been around that long. Four hundred years takes "weary" to a whole new level.

This year, I'm looking at Christmas from an entirely new perspective. The world, full of sin and despair and anguish, waited for centuries for relief. For mercy. For grace. They waited centuries for a Savior. I imagine that with every passing day, the realization that they needed a Savior became greater and greater, heavier and heavier. In many ways, the same is true for us now. While we're spending year after year on Earth, which has so much beauty and hope and redemption but still has so much sin, Christmas can be an encouragement, a reminder of that night when, after centuries and centuries of waiting, Christ was born.

The weary world rejoices, indeed.

Merry Christmas.

bits and pieces.

well, I redesigned my blog, for about the ninety-third time (approximately). so goes finals week. my most productive week of the semester, because I have nothing to do, and yet a million things to do. I accomplish plenty of what I don't need to get done, and not much of what I do need to get done. Finals week is also a great time to find new movies, music, and television shows. (oops.) so, because I'm so sure you all were wondering, here's what I'm doing during this oh-so-productive week.

listening:

Ben Howard's Every Kingdom album is really a great, great thing. As usual, I'm about a year behind on cool music, but that doesn't make it any less cool. The whole album is incredible, but you really should start at the beginning, with Old Pine. Then you should go on to Everything. But you should actually listen to the whole thing.
side note: if you want further proof as to how great Ben Howard is, I present this:

When studying, I'm a huge fan of YouTube playlists, because Spotify rips artists off, and Pandora bores me– WOW that totally made me sound like a hipster, which I am absolutely not. I just like simple, and YouTube playlists are about as simple as it gets. Anyway, Michael Castro's channel is basically perfect. He has incredible covers, really good original songs, and he's beautiful.

watching:

I have been saying for months that I wanted to start watching The Mindy Project (entire episodes, not just the first 3 minutes that I get at the end of my DVR recordings of New Girl). I planned to watch it over Christmas break, but hey, no time like finals week!

It is a rare thing when I sit down in the middle of the day to watch an entire movie, but today I finally watched Celeste and Jesse Forever, and I sort of have mixed feelings on it. It was probably the cutest movie I've seen in a while, and by cute I just mean Andy Samberg. Also I kind of have a girl crush on Rashida Jones. This movie was precious, and sad, and funny, and real. But on the other hand, there was a lot of language, and some really inappropriate stuff, so I can't actually recommend it with a good conscience. so I don't know. If you don't mind that kind of thing, it's a great movie.

reading:

well, during the week, my reading doesn't get much further than Grantland and Entertainment Weekly. I hate that I never read books anymore, at least during the school year. So here's my anticipated reading list, for Christmas break.

The Baseball Codes, by Jason Turbow
Bread and Wine, by Shauna Niequist (I am so embarassed to say that I've started this book, by my most favorite writer in the universe, about six times, but I've never finished it. MUST. FINISH.)
Gone Girl, by Gillian Flynn
Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer, by Warren St. John (yet another I've started but not finished.)
and, let's be honest, I'll probably read too many magazine as well. I've got about three months of Southern Living waiting on me at home, plus about fifteen Sports Illustrated, plus you can't NOT buy the People Best of 2013 issue! (It's like a rule at my house. You must get it.)

my stumbling block.

here's a little secret: I live in near-constant fear of what other people are thinking about me. the strange thing about this fear is that it has transformed over the years. I used to crave other people's approval. I think this is standard middle-school territory, the struggle of trying to decide who you want to be. I've moved on from that, and I no longer feel the need to make every other person like me. Now, it's the constant question "What are they really thinking?" I constantly fear that people tell me things just to make me feel better, and that in reality, they actually think I'm a freak, or a mess, or awkward.

If I'm being really honest, I think a lot of this stems from my creative nature. When I ask people to critique my designs, I'm always afraid they're not saying what they really think, in order to make me feel better. I think that I feel the same way about how people perceive me as well. Instead of craving approval, I crave honesty. I would rather people shoot straight with me, because then I could see how other people really view me. Part of this is my fault, because I don't trust myself enough. I am absolutely my own worst critic, and I get in my own way about 99% of the time.

I've written about Storyline Blog before, but it worth mentioning again. You should absolutely check it out. It's a consistently great resource, but every so often, there's an article that just absolutely blows me away. Recently, I found one of those that just slapped me in the face with relevance. It started:

The great stumbling block of the creative mind is the awareness of self from the perspective of others. Self awareness isn’t the enemy, because we are in fact masterworks of God, but rather the overemphasis regarding what others think of us. When we think too much about the opinions of others, we are letting them edit a book God has written.
(article by Don Miller)

Wow. Every time I reread those sentences, I am so thankful, and feel so silly for worrying. I should post this on every wall of my room, write it on my hand, make it my screensaver. It's good to find those words that calm your anxiety, and this does just the trick for me.

anything/everything.

they said "you can be anything," and we heard, "you have to be everything."

this line comes from Courtney Martin's book Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, and it's such a great reminder. it feels like a huge relief, a friendly reminder, someone patting me on the back. we absolutely do not have to be everything, and that is so important to remember.

you can be one thing, or two things, or thirty things. but don't put a number on it, because numbers invite comparison. do your thing, no matter what it looks like.

new beginnings.

holy cow. sometimes, people just get it. you know? in the midst of all those insensitive or insincere 9/11 ads last week, we got this one. it's actually not an ad, just a video, but wow. this was filmed at 4 World Trade Center just as the sun was coming up, and released in the early morning of september 12.

I know I post lots of dance videos on here, and some people aren't really into that type of thing, but this one is just... different. even if you don't like the dancing, (cause the boy in tight pants is kind of iffy, I know.) just LOOK AT THAT SKYLINE. I'm a sucker for city lights anyway, but at sunrise, you get the feeling that those two are the only ones awake. something about the gray sky and sleepy buildings is just stunning.

but the real story here is the timing. and the message. it's a story of optimism, of hope, and of beauty. to NYC Ballet, september 12 is a new beginning. and I kind of love that.

my hair is an extrovert.

I'm jealous of my hair, a little bit.

what?

it's a strange thing, hair is. it's one of the most distinctive things about our physical appearance. (ever wonder what we'd look like if we all had the same hair? WEIRD.) for something so closely tied to our identity, does it really reflect who we are?

sometimes, yes. my sister is the most dainty and cute person I know, and she has this perfect little straight bob that is so her, it's unreal. on the other hand, my hair is pretty much a direct contradiction to my personality. my hair is wild, out of control, and frequently looks like I just stuck my finger in a socket. it's so loud and free, and it does its own thing.

basically, it's everything i'm not.

I am an introvert in every single sense of the word. I read this Huffington Post article recently called 23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert and was actually freaked out by how well it describes me. for me, they should replace the word "secretly" in that title with "ABSOLUTELY" because that's so me. I sort of, sometimes, in my worst moments, wish that I wasn't so introverted. and it's not that I can't be social, because I can, and love it on occasions, but at my happiest, truest, most core self, no matter how hard I try to deny it, I know I am completely an introvert. if I'm in class or in a group conversation, I have so many thoughts and ideas and opinions running through my head, but I'm probably not going to share any of them. why? I don't know. I understand that if you're not like this, it will absolutely make no sense to you.  

but when I take my hair down and shake my head a few times (andmaybepretendtobeSashaFierce), y'all, it's SO big and wild and carefree. and I always think about this massive gap between the way my hair behaves and the way my brain behaves. it's strange, because think about the people you know with wild hair. they're loud and fun and outgoing, right? total extroverts.

I'm not that way at all, and I kind of wish I was. So lately, as weird as this is, my hair is my inspiration. (does that sound self-absorbed? I so hope not.)  I don't want to change who I am, but maybe just take a few notes from my extroverted hair, and make some minor adjustments.

If you read all the way to the end of this strange post about my own hair, you probably think I'm crazy. If not, well, let me know where to send your check.

how small I am.

right now I am trying to do a thousand and six things: finish schoolwork, catch up on graceland (a really fantastic show on usa, by the way), find the SYTYCD finale online through a number of sketchy websites... but I can't seem to focus on any of those things. I'm thinking about something I read tonight, something that was so profound yet shockingly simple.

"Thus one Need-love, the greatest of all, either coincides with or at least makes a main ingredient in man's highest, healthiest, and most realistic spiritual condition. A very strange corollary follows. Man approaches God most nearly when he is in one sense least like God. For what can be more unlike than fullness and need, sovereignty and humility, righteousness and penitence, limitless power and a cry for help? This paradox staggered me when I first ran into it; it also wrecked all my previous attempts to write about love." [C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves]

I started a new bible study tonight, and this is the book we are using. I've never actually read C.S. Lewis (I know, I know... I feel like this makes me a fraudulent Christian somehow?) but WOW he is awesome. I get it now, why everyone loves him so much. Just the intro chapter blew my mind, and got me so excited to start studying the book.

We talked a lot about how this excerpt is really applicable to our lives in difficult situations. Like when we're at rock bottom, distraught and desperate, heartbroken and exhausted. It is absolutely true that in those times, we feel we can draw exceptionally close to God because of our hopelessness. But here's what I would argue: we don't need to be going through a difficult situation in order to be "least like God." 

What I mean: when I think of the times where I felt closest to God, they weren't all in hard times. In fact, some of my best moments with God have come when life was good. Because it's in those times that I realize just how small I am. I am literally like a tiny fleck of life on this massive earth, and I'm so thankful for that. It's in my happiest moments when I recognize that as good as this life is, it's only going to get better. I am so small, and helpless, yet cared for by a massive Father, and that enormous difference between me and Him provides a strange sense of comfort. It's so joyful to know that we are just pieces of a puzzle, servants living out a master plan that is something bigger, more beautiful than we could ever comprehend.

courage and bad timing.

say something– i'm giving up on you.

gah, aren't those some honest words? heartbreakingly transparent.

it comes from a really lovely song by A Great Big World, a song that I just discovered here:

every now and then, you get a perfect combination of a killer song, brilliant choreographer, and gorgeous dancers, and I find myself holding my breath for a minute while the piece completely sucks me in. it doesn't show it in this clip, but the choreographer (stacey tookey- a GENIUS) explained the story of the dance as "courage and bad timing." he loved her, but had to give up because she didn't feel the same way. then, she realizes she should stop him, but she doesn't know how. this is such a relatable story, and the song completely sold it.

some of the lyrics are little depressing:

say something, i'm giving up on you.
i'm sorry that i couldn't get to you.
anywhere, i would have followed you.

but really, i think it's just being honest about a rocky moment of life. the song also says

and i will stumble and fall.
i'm still learning to love,
just starting to crawl.

I think this song hit me so hard because so often, I'm the person that doesn't say anything. this song and this dance tell the story of what happens when you don't speak up, when you don't fight. I am such an internal person, so in my own head, that I rarely express how I feel. and that can be so, so dangerous.

So i guess this dance is a reminder to me (and everyone) that being courageous is important, and if the timing isn't right– well, that's just another obstacle to tackle as you start to crawl.

hello again.

We're in the very final stretch of summer. The last hours of freedom. At 8:45 tomorrow morning, I'll make the first walk across campus to the first class of fall. I am sad but excited, and ready, but still trying to hang on to the ending moments of summer. Because fall is beautiful, and September is my favorite month, and football comes back in nine days, but I had just gotten used to the lazy rhythms of having no schoolwork, you know?

So I took a little summer vacation from the blog, mostly because while I was in the middle of it, my summer didn't feel all that special or fancy. I did class, bought groceries, and lived alone for half the time. It was good and necessary, but quiet, ordinary, normal. Looking back, though, I did a lot of fun things.

We spent Memorial Day at the lake house (which just received a well-deserved makeover— the poor thing had looked practically the same since it was built 60 years ago.) and swam, did pizza on the dock, and all the good stuff. I don't have pictures from this, because we all looked messy and unfancy- just the way it should be.

Caroline turned 17! As expected, there were lots of cupcakes and Kate Middleton presents.

We took a super quick trip to Nashville to see the Lion King Broadway Tour (and yes, we accidentally wore coordinating outfits).

And then, after a rainy 4th of July, Dad and I hopped on a plane for Chicago, for our 2nd Annual Ballpark Chasing Weekend Adventure (I just made up that fancy title). We had just enough time to take a boat tour of the city at sunset, watch batting practice at Wrigley, see the Stanley Cup, watch the Cubs beat the Pirates, make a quick stop in Trader Joe's, and eat really good (but really really hot), authentic Chicago pizza. It was super great, and Chicago is quite a lovely place.

As July ended, I wrapped up my summer classes and FINALLY got to spend a little while at home, a nine day summer vacation. But really, it was quality over quantity. We shopped, slept, ate a lot of Pasquale's buffet, and got to spend a day in Tuscaloosa with my favorite nugget of a cousin, Rhett.

And then, just like that, it was time to go back to Auburn for rush. That's coming in another post soon, because I have lots of thoughts on it- some good, some not so good. For now, though, I'm just going to enjoy my last night of summer the best way I know: baseball and diet coke.

i believe.

i believe in life, and living it abundantly. [john 10:10]
i believe in the importance of both celebrations and creativity.
i believe all it takes to be happy is a baseball game and some really good chicken fingers.
i believe in choosing optimism, every day, every season, every moment.
i believe that cold tangerines is the best book around. [thanks, shauna niequist!]
i believe life is better when lived whimsically. [confetti, yellow balloons, dessert first, etc.]
i believe in true, hard, deep friendships with lots of laughter.
and mostly, i believe in the one true God, who loves us more than we will ever know.

(in case you were wondering, things i do not believe in include selfies, sushi, waking up early, and using capital letters.)

enough.

this is a post about doubt.

it's inevitable, i guess. doubting yourself, your place, your purpose.

it doesn't happen to me that often, but i'm currently sitting smack in the middle of a season of self doubt. all summer, i've been thinking what the heck am i doing? logically, I know the answer, and logically, it makes sense. I am going to school, so that I can graduate sooner, get a real, fun job, and make real, fun money. I know that it was absolutely the right decision to stay in Auburn and do school this summer, but I think I've fallen into a trap.

the prevailing mindset in college is that you work hard (and maybe play hard) during fall and spring, and then during the summer, you go off on some wonderful adventure, whether it be camp or internships or mission trips. I have friends literally all over the world this summer, doing great things and bringing massive glory to God.

and meanwhile... I'm in class?

I feel like I'm not doing enough. like I'm not making a difference.

In some ways, I have a lot of self confidence. Like, if you ask me a question about sports, I'm pretty confident I can answer it. I'm confident in the ability God has given me to do certain things, like love on children or be creative. However, I am much, much less confident in other areas. Like now.

I'm not so sure what I'm supposed to be doing in this season of my life. I sort of feel like I'm wasting time, and that's not a good feeling.

Over and over, I'm telling myself I am enough. But actually, I'm not enough. God is enough. His grace is enough. I know that He can and will lead me, show me, and teach me what this season means in my life.

I'm so thankful that even when my earthly cup feels empty, God still floods my heart.
and that is why I am enough.